Sunday, 5 June 2011

Spraüts not Krauts: German's Worried E-Coli Will Ruin Reputation of National Cuisine

Herr Drucken, spokesperson for the ministry of Food in Germany has expressed concern that the link of the lethal E-Coli outbreak to homegrown beansprouts might ruin the reputation of German food abroad.

"German cuisine is one of the most admired and most eaten foods in the world today. Second only to the cuisine of Belgium, German food is eaten by millions every day."

When asked how many of those millions were German the minister said:
"Well, you could say quite a few."
"Is it not the case that only Germans like German food?"
"Like, what has like got to do with it. If we say you eat it you eat it. Anyway, what is a German?"

When pushed in private by this reporter over a plate of mung beans and assorted toxic shoots the minister admitted the real concern was the image of German food abroad.

"This is a missed opportunity for the kebab and the sausage," he said. "They are the natural home for things like E-Coli, food poisoning all of that. When it gets around that the people of Hamburg were poisoned by a healthy salad food, the world will know we don't actually eat sausages and kebabs. We hate that greasy shit as much as you do. Our national dish is actually pea-shoot salad with quinoa patties. It is, y'know, totally delish!"

Later the same day German authorities released a statement saying that the consumption of beansprouts was an error on the part of the German people.

"That stuff just tastes like crunchy water. They did not know what they were doing. They thought it was some dog hair that got into their kebab."

They are also insisting that from now on beansprouts be spelt the German way: Spraüts, with an umlaut over the U.

"We are also thinking you might call us Spraüts from now on, not Krauts. Just a thought."

Friday, 3 June 2011

New Revelation Rocks FIFA: Sepp Blatter Does Not Take Bribes

On the day after Sepp Blatter was re-elected as the head of FIFA it has been revealed that he is honest. He doesn't take bribes. He was elected because he is dead popular. He pays his taxes. All of them, even the stupid ones. And when he rings in sick, he actually has the flu. Oh, and that pencil in his hand, he bought it himself.

Blatter was quick to act in an attempt to quell the shocking revelation that he is not bent at all, not even a little bit. Meeting with this reporter in his modest office where all his little trinkets from Cartier and the like were bought and paid for from his own modest wage, as he shook hands he winked and said: "'Nuff said gucv'ner."

Appearing to pocket something when asked what it was he said "A bung." In fact it was nothing other than a monogrammed silk handkerchief that his wife had given him last Christmas.

And when the dictafone was placed on the desk Blatter nabbed it saying, "I'll 'ave a word in their shell-like." When asked if he would give the dictafone back he said. "What dictafone? I didn't see no dictfone. No dictafone changed hands, not at all."

Eventually, tired of all this talk of his honesty he concluded the conversation with:
"Go on, bribe me. I will take anything."
"No you won't."
"Give me that pen."
"No."
"Give me that pen and I will give you the world."
"The world cup for this pen?"
"Not the world cup, Qatar got that. The whole world. Everything you can see."
"You don't own the world."
"I am FIFA, I own everything."
"How much did Qatar pay for the world cup then."
"Two of your plastic pens, and three such dictafones."

It is widely believed that in a sport where cheating has become an everyday part of life, a head of FIFA who is honest does not go down well. When even cricket is fixed, the idea that football of all things is straight as a gate makes it look like a throwback to a bygone age of fair play.

More damaging still is the possibility that football will come to be associated with a certain British way of playing.

"First it is fairplay. Then it will be the long ball game, giving it all you have in the final minutes and leaving your back four exposed. We can't let Britishness ruin the game for the rest of us." One non-British player said.

However it is thought that Ryan Giggs' recent superinjunction might spare everyone's blushes. When asked if Giggs actions had gone some way to proving to the world that the British game can also be corrupt, one senior figure at FIFA said it was a "step in the right direction."

Not Sepp Blatter. He said no such thing. He doesn't cheat, or take bribes. He really loves his wife. Not like some I can't mention.

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Superinjunctions: The Latest Celeb Must-Have

The British High Courts have reported a phenomenal increase in applications for superinjunctions in the past few days from Z-list celebs desperate for exposure.
Superinjunctions are now the quickest route to notoriety it would seem, and talentless celebs are digging deep into their pockets to buy a bit of 'privacy'.
"It's great," that transsexual winner of Big Brother said to anyone who was listening. "The more you ask to be anominolous, amonimous, nameless, the more the twatters report you name all over the internet darlink. I love it."
When asked if we could use their name she added: "No way darlink. I want everyone not to know my name, everyone!"
While superinjunctions are expensive they require little or no effort or talent, ideal for the average celeb.
"You just take one out then sit at home pretending not to have done. Refusing to speak to the press. Just becoming more and more famous." Said the bad-tempered ex-Bucks Fizz and Dollar bloke. "I am not mentioned now more times than I was ever mentioned, y'know when I was famous."
"Yes darlink, it is fab-u-lous." Added the transsexual who seems to be cohabiting with the other bloke although we are unable to report that.
"Andy Warhol was wrong," said Zebedee Smyth-Jones, media specialist. "He said in the future everyone would be famous for fifteen minutes. Now everyone will be nameless for fifteen minutes. It's called the Giggs effect."

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Obama Promises: We Can Kill Bin Laden Again

As Pakistan orders the reduction of US troops on the ground people have begun to ask if President Obama could honour his wild boast that he would "repeat Bin Laden raid" made on UK television last week. Which people? Just people. There's people, and they are asking I can assure you of that.
Speaking with senior voices in the Navy Seals disguised as middle-aged men with brush-cuts and paunches, we asked what were the chances of repeating the Bin Laden raid, it being such a success on YouTube and all and so worthy of a sequel.
"Oh Man, I would love to kick his ass all over again, all over town," one said. "Also, once you do something it gets easier the second time. I think we could kill him better if we got the chance."
When asked if there was still an appetite amongst troops on the ground to kill someone who was already dead this man barked in our reporter's face:
"You bet. Shoot we bin killin' deadfolks all over the place for years. We just don't talk about it."
Amnesty International recently published a report on the hidden numbers of deaths among the already dead in Afghanistan, which it said is totally unregulated causing untold grief to the families of the already-dead. To this effect they have adopted a new slogan "Don't Kill the Dead" which has been totally ignored for being rather silly.
But what of the troop reductions, will that make a re-run of operation Murder but Don't Call it Murder Call it Justice Old Testament Style harder to implement? Our source doesn't think so.
"The thing is, dead people are much easier to kill than live ones. Say even if you don't take the shot, they are not going anywhere so you can try again. And even if you keep missing or say your gun just explodes or somesuch, well they's already dead you see so technically the mission is still a success."
It would seem then that killing Obama again is not yet off the cards, however much Pakistan wants to ruin it for the rest of the world. We are told that even burial at sea is no problem in that they tied a fine piece of wire to Bin Laden's left big toe and attached it to a buoy.
"We can get him back in no time real easy. Just give the order Obama. Re-killing Bin Laden is a win-win situation." Senior officials drooled.
Watch this space.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Obama's Recent UK Visit: He's a Bit Rude.

The recent visit of Barack Obama to the British Isles has led some commentators to conclude: "he is not very nice, and shorter than you'd imagine."

This chilling indictment comes after a series of unguarded comments by the President when he thought his mic. was off. Although in some instances he was "just gagging to get things of his chest and just came out with it, in people's faces, whether they wanted it or not, kind rubbing their noses in it." It was reported that someone reported.

The rude-ness began the moment Air Force One touched-down on the emerald isle. As the rain slanted down on the back streets of north Dublin the President was heard to whisper "depressing".

Later after near hysteria when he visited the home town of a distant relative he doesn't even remember he muttered to himself; "What's the big deal with being Irish? I'd rather be black."

This proved to be the tip of the ice-berg.

The next day in the UK as he arrived in London he cried out: "Jeez, you guys are as fat as we are."

Watching the BBC as he waited for his next engagement he asked one of his aides: "Are you sure this is the BBC? Does Fox own a channel out here? I mean this stuff is as lame as fox."

After dinner at Buckingham palace where he was sitting between the Queen and Carmella Parker-Bowles he asked a passerby: "Who shoved up a thumb up their asses?" He then described Prince Charles as "weird, borderline creepy" and Prince William as talking "a bit gay, like all you British guys."

When asked by a tabloid newshound obviously undercover what he thought of Kate Middleton he called her "a suburban school girl" and a "beanpole." The President is reported to like women who "got back" whatever that means.

The only member of the Royal family he seems to have warmed to his Prince Philip. "That dude's out an' out racist man." He shouted from the top of an old routemaster purchased through junk bonds just because he can. "Man he's awesome. He hates races that are not even races. Cockneys, he hates cockneys. They are not a race. I mean if he stood for senate in the south he would win hands down. He reminded me of Newt Gingrich only better dressed and less slimy."

As the day wore on the President became increasingly unguarded. He spat out a cup of tea with milk and two sugars saying it was "rank." He thought he might "hurl" after a plate of fish and chips in the BBC canteen. And at one point said that London was "okay" but its streets were "too narrow" and its buildings "a bit short." He also said the property prices in Nottinghill were "not worth it."

As Obama and Cameron met towards the end of his visit it was apparent that there was a certain frostiness.

When asked whether he was worried that his outspoken-ness might damage the special relationship, Obama just shrugged and whispered quite audibly. "There's plenty of other fish in the sea. What about Germany? They make things don't they? Not like this plastic economy. I mean call centres and financial services? The only reason you got so many call centres is that your financial services are so shit."

Then he was off.

When asked later what he thought of the President's comments our Prime Minister whispered into what is left of his chin:
"Y'know, we call can't like everything about another person's country."
When asked what he didn't like about the US he replied:
"Reeses Peeses start off really moreish but then you start to feel like a bit sick, but then you can't stop eating them. That's ill man, totally ill."

Monday, 23 May 2011

David Cameron Suffering from Chinnochio Syndrome


Recent photographs of British Prime Minister David Cameron-Clegg emulating Rodin's famous work The Thinker, are not designed to show his incredible mind but to cover up a rare case of Chinnochio.

Chinnochio, named after the cartoon character except using a different name which does, however, sound like Pinnochio but, so-called doctors admit, is not the same, is a disease where the chin recedes in direct proportion to how many lies you tell.

While there is of course a certain amount of justifiable ridicule to be heaped on anyone who looks a bit different, i.e. is a total freak, the victims of Chinnochio face a sad future.

'People don't realise how important the chin is. I am sure many just take it for granted but the chin is what separates the face from the neck. Without this crucial face-neck differential, we would revert to our next nearest genetic ancestor: snakes.' Said a recently struck off doctore under duress and bribery.

Cameron is not thought to have a severe case of the disease. His chin still keeps some separation from his neck yet he has had a year of porkies to rival that of Bill Clinton the day after judging the Cigar Smokers' Annual Lingerie Ball and Fried Chicken Cookout.

'Cameron would not be a desperate case if it weren't for his job. If things carry on in the coming year as they have these past months, by the end of this government Cameron will be looking at, well, his own chest.'

Chinnochio is actualky a symptom of a more wide-reaching genetic disorder called Poshitis,
the disease of the British upperclasses. Aside from Chinnochio Cameron also shows clears signs of Eton Dome Forehead, Posh Rash Cheeks, and Fake Colloquialism, as does his sometime lover Prince William. Don't worry Kate, it is just a sex thing.

The spread of Poshitis amongst the political elite of late means Cameron is far from alone and perhaps will find solace with his close friend and colleague Michael Gove, who has been a victim of Posh Lip Drip and the Duffer gene, since his teens. Indeed it is thought that Cameron surrounds himself with Etonians not because of their superior education but because they barely have a chin or hairline between them.

That and the fact that they are really really rich.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

France's spare Burkhas donated to hide identities of celebrities in possession of superinjunctions


In what is thought to be the first example of a legal 'mashup', France is to donate all their confiscated Burkhas to hide the identities of those UK celebs whose superinjunctions have gone ubera usque (legal term for tits up).

When asked if anyone was using the Burkhas which we found stacked up under a table in the Presidential palace, Sarkozy giggled and said 'No way man! You can 'ave them if you want like. Wicked.' But in French.

The Burkhas were fedexed with great rapidity, accuracy and at a reasonable charge, to the British High Courts where one senior silk was heard to mutter: 'This will fix those twatters.'
'Tweeters sir,' a junior colleague corrected.
'I know what I said,' he snarled back.

The Burkahs were graded for size and then sent off to the House of Commons' own personal dry cleaning service which, since the new austerity, is situated at the local Asda across the river.

The various celebrities who shall remain named by everyone as the ones who shall remain nameless, are said to be delighted with their new attire. Now they can go wherever they want and still have people look at them yet, without knowing who they are.

'Islam is great,' a footballer/newsreader/head of a bank said. 'It's like everyone is a celebrity. I was on the tube and I think more people looked at me than when I was just famous.'

The move has been so successful that sales of Burkhas are up a hundredfold. It is estimated that up to a million chubby wannabees have taken to dressing in full Islamic garb in the hope that members of the public will recognise them as 'generally famous,' and come to despise them as much as the specifically famous that the injunctions were originally issued in order to protect.

'It used to be that you were famous for being good at something. Then you were just famous for being famous. Now you can be famous if no one knows who you are. Which is great, cos my vizzog is like dead forgettable,' someone chubby swigging Mule glottalled at me along with much spit whose name and face I forget.

While the Burkahs have become this weeks new disposable fashion item, there is also a dark side to this whole affair.

'This whole thing has been so stressful I am thinking of going away on a long holiday.' The footballed/newsreader/head of a bank said. 'The only things I need to pack are my toothbrush, my I-phone and my Burkha.'

When asked where they were planning to go the anonymous celebrity said: 'France probably, we love it there. The people are so easy going. They leave you alone to just be who you wanna be.'